As much as I’m enjoying life at the frat house [read: my part time job at Summit], a recent gander at my bank account prompted a rather frenzied attempt to find a second job last week.
Well, if I’m honest, my first instinct was not so much to scour the internet for available jobs as it was to channel the old couple in Titanic, lay down and pretend nothing was happening.
Not. An option.
And so I googled. I yahoo’d. I craigslisted, want-added, and even trianglehelpwanted.com’d. [“Long name, amazing results” my BEHIND.] I was looking for something that might allow me to write-because something about writing makes me feel. It makes me remember. It makes me avoid doing laundry-and that just feels right.
The results were so depressing, that the only possible thing left to do is blog about them. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my top four options:
- “Author wanted for humorous hunting and fishing blog.” How would I spin my cover letter for this baby? “Dear Sir, I believe I would present a unique asset to your blog, because I bring a distinctly raw, human perspective to the table. In fact, the last time I caught a fish, I sobbed the entire time that I watched it gasp for breath and die. Admittedly, I have never hunted, but I did watch Bambi as a child, and my therapist has high hopes for my full recovery. Truthfully, you needn’t be concerned about my lack of experience in this area, given that I have never sustained a head injury and thus have full confidence in my ability to pick it up. Is it anything like camping? I once stayed in a Holiday Inn, and thus, am an expert at roughing it. “
- “Author wanted for crocheting blog”. “Dear Madam, I am tickled pink at the prospect of writing crocheting tutorials for your blog, mostly because the idea of showing up to work in my yoga pants looking like an uncooked chicken leg makes me want to burst into song. While I have never crocheted, my neighbor does have a cat-which I presume qualifies me to speak authoritatively on the subject.
- “Original erotic stories wanted.” “Dear Sir, while the idea of writing for you is simply fascinating, my Mother once told me to “stick with what you know”. Thus, I believe my talents might be better put to use devising crocheting tutorials for the masses. Crocheting is my life. Mr. Whiskers and I thank you for your time.”
- “Seeking a Chinese Interpreter” “Dear Madam, you are probably unaware that one of my best friends is Indonesian. This qualifies as “relevant work experience”, because I thought she was Chinese for approximately the first six months of our relationship. While I do not exactly speak Chinese, I have developed an unnatural fondness for Hello Kitty and Pokémon that I feel would endear me to your clients in a way that language could not-after all, where language fails: Hello Kitty speaks. For your consideration, I would also like to point out that I once had a wicked case of food poisoning after eating sweet and sour pork, and thus feel as though your country owes me something.”
It’s back to the drawing board, with me.