Christie’s Stupid Good Magical Unicorn Chocolate Chip Cookies.

I was embarrassed, but not embarrassed enough to stop.

At the expense of both my questionable reputation and the little pride that I have left, I will soldier on and tell you the story anyways because I love you and I want you to be happy. And by George, after twenty-six years I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.

It all started at small group. Kellan and I are in a newlywed’s small group [a bi-weekly hour and a half that I consistently refer to as “marriage counseling”, much to my dear husband’s chagrin,] and one of the best things about it is the food. OHMYLANTA. From decadent chocolate cheesecake to swirled homemade breads, the snacks are positively swoon-worthy and we’re all going to have to join Weight Watchers together after we’ve completed the study. We’ll kick some serious hiney at this whole marriage thing; alas, our hinies will jiggle while we do it.

I digress. SNACKS. There’s been a high bar set in this crowd! With great anticipation I waltzed into small group one Sunday evening, and was utterly dismayed to discover a plate of chocolate chip cookies sitting on the counter.

Can we be honest? YAWN. If chocolate chip cookies could speak, they would unenthusiastically mutter “take ‘em or leave ‘em.” While I am wholeheartedly, unashamedly COMMITTED to my chocolate desserts, I haven’t bothered to make chocolate chip cookies in years simply because BORING. Honestly, they simply weren’t good enough to bother with.

Thinking all sorts of secretly judgmental, self-righteous thoughts and muttering something under my breath about the plummeting caliber of desserts around these parts, I sweetly put one on my plate in an effort to appear thankful. [Clearly, I am exactly the kind of person that one might hope would show up at a small group.] Several minutes later, I absentmindedly took a bite…

…and lost my ever-loving MIND.

As our friend Paula Deen would say, BUTTER MY BUTT AND CALL ME A BISCUIT.

Y’all. With the great Martha Stewart as my witness, it was the BEST cookie that I have ever had! It was gooey and buttery and chocolatey and PERFECT, and before I knew what had happened I was gushing in the middle of what was intended to be a very serious discussion about conflict resolution. Which is important and all, but HOLY COOKIES BATMAN!

I interrupted, mouth full of chocolate: Y’ALL. THESE ARE STUPID GOOD. Who made them?!

Christie, the sassy brunette that sits across from me and joins me in laughing at all of the wrong times, slowly raised her hand.

It was like she’d invented fire. We had coffee together a couple of days later, and I DRILLED her like I was trying to extract terrorist information in a cell in Guantanamo, instead of sipping a latte at our local hipster joint. I was one metal chair and a swinging light bulb away from completely. losing. mymind.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?? TELL MEEEEE!!!!

[Yes, I’m making HEAPS of friends up here. Thank you for asking.]

Four batches of chocolate chip cookies later [I am nothing if not dedicated], I am equal parts elated and embarrassed to report that I’VE NAILED IT. Here it is, friends:

Christie’s Stupid Good Magical Unicorn Chocolate Chip Cookies:

  1. Buy a bag of Toll House semi-sweet chocolate chips.
  2. Follow instructions on the back of the bag TO THE LETTER.
  3. Substitute butter flavored Crisco for the butter. [Just do it. DO IT. You’ll thank me later!]
  4. Now, this is very, VERY important: BAKE ONLY FOR SEVEN MINUTES. Not a second longer, friends! You won’t think they’re done, they’ll still look like dough in the middle, but PULL THOSE SUCKERS OUT OF THE OVEN.

Slip into chocolate bliss. Share with your friends and become the most popular kid on the block. Slip them to your boss and get a big fat promotion. Give them to your husband and win wife of the year! These are phenomenal frozen—they’re chewy and perfect and last for forever.

…or so I would assume. Clearly, I have no idea.

 

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9 Comments

Filed under Then I found $5.00

9 responses to “Christie’s Stupid Good Magical Unicorn Chocolate Chip Cookies.

  1. Kristin

    Oh, I must try! I disagree about the cc cookie. I’d pick one any day over most other desserts.

  2. KJC

    My family has a long history of only making Toll House cookies (and I have never fully cooked them). My husband tried to tell me when we got married that his mom’s cookies were the best chocolate chip cookies….um NO. We got that straight real fast. Anyway, this post just makes me sad for all of the people that have been living in sad ignorance over this for so long.

  3. bahahahah can we be honest here? because “YAWN”. hahah oh Ash. You are a riot. and need a professional job as a radio host/blogger/SOMETHING! :]

  4. 1. Have you seen the Friends episode about the Tollhouse cookies?

    2. Butter-flavored Crisco? …Really?… …Can you convince me?

    • 1. No! But you’re like the sixth person that’s mentioned it since I wrote this blog–I need to track it down!

      2. Emily. Look me in the eyeballs. Would I lead you this far just to let you down now? MAKE THE COOKIES. ;)

  5. Veronica

    Oh my gosh, I have been doing this for years since friend in college told me, actually, I only sub half of teh butter with the crisco, but that explains why I was STUNNED when you said “chocolate chip cookies-yawn.” They are my family’s favorite thing almost that I make! Also, praying much for your family this week. WIsh it wasn’t this way. ANd your post-so good. thanks for writing!

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